June 10, 2007

Has it been a month?

Ya, indeed it has. I appreciate those of you who have checked in, either to assure yourselves that my silence hasn't been due to some ill news, and also those others who've merely complained that I was in danger of being removed from their favorites if I didn't get my fingers to typing.

All is indeed well. Quite an exciting and busy month, with an interesting blend of things I can't write about, and things which leave me very little time to write at all. A promising relationship began and came to an end, a major project at work is coming to fruition, friends visiting me, me visiting friends, a funeral, two conferences, drunken karaoke, two concerts, volleyball, softball, and the gym, and of course - the finale of Heroes!

Firstly and most significantly, a roller coaster few weeks with a particularly wonderful and equally challenging woman. We were just starting to get serious when I last wrote, and because she reads this blog (that's presumptuous of me - she read it, I don't know if she still reads...) it seemed to be both polite and wise that I not post about our relationship. I regret that I told her about the blog early on (or at all?) for essentially the reasons laid out in this article so I won't bother writing them up in my own words.

That wasn't what ultimately did us in, though it did set the stage for what turned out to be the dealbreaker. We found we had a fundamental difference in the way we interact with others in our lives; differences for which I just couldn't see us finding a compromise. There are many aspects of my character I would happily, or at least grudgingly adjust for the love of a good woman, and this is a hell of a good woman we're talking about, but at the end of the day, this thing about me she found infuriating and insulting wasn't just a minor thread, but the whole cloth from which I am cut.

I wouldn't be who I am if I changed this aspect of my life, even if I could change it, which I doubt. There are many of you who have heard something like this before from me and will no doubt think this is just Dan coming up with yet another reason to end a promising relationship. Not so... while it was ultimately my decision to end things, she initially brought it up after a particularly enraging night. We didn't agree on whether the relationship should end, but we both knew we had a hell of an issue between us to address.

I really liked (like) her, but looking ahead at our future, I knew it was buying happiness on credit to stay together - immediate gratification, but a hell of a bill to pay, with interest, looming in our future. I'd rather fail early and quickly then drag it out, as you all well know, so go ahead and let me have it. But before you do, I remind you of one of the core philosophies to which I subscribe:

"I do not expect, by acting thus, to escape criticism;
merely not to deserve it"
-Thomas Bracket Reed

As we were splitting, she said to me two things I've heard quite a few times before: that I don't yet truly want a monogamous relationship and that when we're alone she feels she has my complete attention, but when we're in public she felt like everyone else but her held my attention. Not entirely sure what to do about that... I mean, sure, intellectually I know, but how do you change that in practice? I keep failing to conform to what other people think a relationship with me should look like, and meanwhile I've never been able to have a relationship look the way I'd like it to look.

In other news, work is going well. Been a super busy month, with many long nights and weeks, as a challenging project nears a major milestone. We're about to go live with something we've been developing for several months now, and though the work truly just begins once we do cross the threshold from development into production, I'm none the less very proud of the work we've been doing.

This month we lost Rosie, my first cousin twice removed (my grandmother's first cousin's wife) after an illness. Rosie has been a presence in my life since it began, and though it's not much of an epitaph, I'll think of her every Rosh Hashanah as I fondly remember and greatly miss her legendary noodle kugel.

And just this past weekend a few close friends came to visit me and we had a killer night of Manhattan-romping. Being with them affirmed my choice about the recently ended relationship, as we all enjoyed a fun, flirty evening of innuendo, double-entendre, and frolicsome off-color banter. I like off-color banter. I like flirting with people, and being the guy who says the thing that makes people laugh -- or even better -- gasp audibly. I wouldn't be me without that behavior, and a woman who doesn't enjoy that about me, or at the very least tolerate it with grim resignation, will just never be happy with me as a partner.

Now I'm off to watch the Tonys -


At 9:09 AM, Blogger Mari said...

I think you know yourself quite well, Dan.

The "problem" is not with you and who you are; it's with the women who swim into your lagoon but who really belong elsewhere.

You need to find (but I don't know how you should do this... Lord knows *I* haven't found the right one) the proper fish, the one who does actually desire what you dangle on your line in front of them.

Good luck to you in this fishing expedition, my friend!

At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you're admitting that you don't pay enough attention in public to whoever you are dating, it's the lagoon that's got problems.

At 5:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I have the same "problem" I think. And I base this on the fact no one seems to have any pictures of my husband and I together at any event that we both attend. We have to make a conscious effort to stand together and ask to be photographed. Otherwise, strangers would probably never guess that we were married. Funnily enough, I do have many pictures of you and I together at the very same events.

So you just need to find a woman that is happy doing her own thing out in public and she and my husband can be in pictures together.

The moral of this story is it can and does work. My husband has never once complained of feeling ignored. He is perfectly ok letting me work the crowd and then comparing notes about the event after.

Or, maybe it isn't that you don't pay enough attention to the women you are dating, but that some of the women don't like the type of attention you also pay to others. But if you stop flirting with me and making me gasp with your off-color humor just because you are dating someone, I will kick your ass.

At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Elise said...

Funny, when we were dating I remember thinking that you seemed to like me much more in piblic then you did when we were alone. I think we made a good public team. We looked good together, acted in many of the same ways, and made eachother look better than we did alone. But when we were alone, it was then that I worried that your mind was elsewhere. I dont know what that means exactly. But maybe it helps? I miss you very much by the way. When can I see you?

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Elise, we made a great team :)


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