August 27, 2006

Welcome to NYC, bastards

Summertime is upon us, and August in particular is tourist season here in the Big Apple. The only people in New York this month are those people visiting from East Asshat, America -- and New Yorkers who have a job and can't get the hell out of dodge.

To assist the intrepid adventurers, I provide - in the best spirit of public service - a brief locals guide to NYC tourist etiquette.

1. The best place to marvel at the wonder that is your metrocard is not directly in front of the turnstile.
2. By all means take as many pictures as you like. We're only trying to get to work or home. We'll be happy to stop and wait for you to take a picture of your little Kansas porker in front of Tiffany's. And yes, it is very, very funny when you stand in front of the Trump Tower and say - over and over again -- "You're Fired. You're Fired. You're Fired..."
3. When walking down the street, please walk arm-in-arm directly across the sidewalk. Slowly. Because we all very much appreciate you slowing us down to the speed of Arkansas, never having considered the negative impact on our lives of actually getting to wherever it is we're going.
4. That person with the funny hat is either a Jew or a pimp. In either case, don't make fun of his hat; he'll get you.
5. If your feet are nasty, don't wear sandals. Men, unless you're a foot model, your feet are probably nasty.
6. More people walk up and down fifth avenue during rush hour each day than travel your interstate highways all month. If you were to stop your car on the highway so you can get out, look straight up into the sky, and say "golly" you would expect other cars to honk at you. Think of our elbowing you firmly in the solar plexus as a New York honk.

Overheard in NY -

Forget Signaling -- Put on Your Hazards

Tourist girl [standing in middle of busy sidewalk]: Oh, excuse me! [spins around] Oh! [turns around] Omigod! Like, I just ran into like four people and I'm not even walking!
City guy: Try walking.
Tourist girl: What?
City guy [reluctantly drawn in]: Look, in New York most people aboveground get where they're going by walking. The sidewalks are the main roads in the city.
Tourist girl: [blank stare]
City guy [getting frustrated]: If you were driving on a busy road, you wouldn't just stop or take random turns in traffic without checking your mirrors or signaling, right?
Tourist girl: How do I signal?

--43rd & Broadway

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